TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely outside of position. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let us have Yet another spot in which American Adult males can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: provide Everybody a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, Trump Tower Damascus the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he need to cease making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the project, replied, "You already know, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Attributes


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage can even include things like:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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